feels like just last month I blogged.. no doubt lotsa stuff happened.. and I am reopening this blog publicly just so anyone who bothers comes to see my ranting without them needing to know who I am.. brings comfort to myself to express my thoughts without necessarily having anyone I know personally to excruciate themselves reading my posts. so yeah, none of my acquaintances know of this blog.. or at least some who visited in the past thinks its closed permanently.. to me its probably better that way..
so I'm theoretically committing suicide now as I am 9 hours exactly away from my last exam of the semester (which suffocatingly the next semester starts 3 days later) on a module which I am weakest at and I am here blogging.. with no specific people to let read on top of that.. to make things worse I revisited my Facebook page briefly only to log out, (as expected) depressed, devastated (again), and.. well what else can I say?.. I'm just totally mortified in short. Think its been two years already at least since I last talked to her.. and I just couldn't bring myself to even look at her again.. its my 60% reason for quitting FB. Last year on my birthday month I discovered she was married to some guy I never heard of. Was only less than a year since we broke up that time.. Slut... then again just when I thought I take a brief visit to my FB again just now, her baby's photos show up.. huh.. this God almighty sure likes to play pranks on me..
Been 4 months already I've been in Manchester.. was quite the rush considering all this wasn't planned until January which gave me 3 weeks to get all the procedures done to fly here and study business.. if theres anyone who knows me reading this, yes.. me, a design graduate, left the stressfully excessive overtime studio work life to reset my youth into the business field.. I have reasons.. mostly its money related.. I guess the main factor that drove me to this decision was.. well.. my failed love life.. petty and pathetic as it sounds, I gave up pursuit of my dreams to be a married man.. certainly it is what I want the most deep in my heart even now but my surrounding says otherwise, its unachievable.. so I diverted myself.. if I can't obtain love, I'll obtain wealth.. so much more controllable and effort dependent.. and partially also to convince myself that money.. in this corrupted world as it is.. could actually 'buy' love.. does make sense since every woman wants a husband who is financially secure.. but doesn't make sense that money could buy faithfulness and loyalty.. the ultimate quality I seek in the woman I love.. I have not seen or met any such women and even those I thought were so turned out to be disappointing.
subconsciously, this perspective of mine did turn out to be a double edged sword.. as i said again, 4 months since I'm here in Manchester, and I already made some enemies among the women especially.. to be specific, only some 3 or 4 Chinese classmates.. In the first two months having class together, we were great.. having fun etc.. now? how the hell did this happen I don't have a clue.. these girls now look at me like a criminal.. all since that bloody group project that went disastrous, this girl who is 7 years older than I went from brother-sisterly relationship to sword-eyed enemies.. I admit I did have some wrongs on my part and I apologized.. and I tried to reconcile but shes not giving in. And her disrespectful actions just blew it all apart.. by not using the slides I toiled through the night to do by her request.. all this is just long story short though..
well seems I managed to distract myself from that depressing element now.. 8 hours left maybe I should do a quick revision and get some sleep.. good luck to me cuz I'm damn sure gonna need it for this exam module..
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