Fogged Slumber

I can't believe I'm blogging at 4.30am on a Thursday night. Either caused by my awkward dream or the noisy odd occurrence that my housemate is bathing at this hour.. Regardless being just awake where one would normally be on "start up" mode in the head, mine seems to have been in standby mode the past 6 hours on my bed, and honestly I find it a little troubling. Perhaps its the uneasy feeling of my current life where its standing. I'm now a working man yes, a better situation than to be a loafer as I was in the earlier months of the year. For awhile when I started I felt the brief sense of fulfillment where I thought I'm finally doing something beneficial. Until last month at least.. I am in confusion as to whether I am confirmed into work which now I strangely hope I'm not. The minimum wage of a designer which I researched for within Malaysia is RM1500 at lowest. My salary is hundreds below the minimum. At first I thought that being in probation was the reason for it but then after checking my letter of appointment another time carefully, I am now confused as it indicates that I was probably confirmed already on my 2nd week of work. To make things worse is that if it is true that I signed the confirmation letter, I've probably been conned to agree of earning a solid wage of 1300 and no more regardless how hard I work. That thought alone certainly did drop my working performance tremendously. Ever since I've been working on a scene of what would have took a week to complete with diligence, I dragged it to nearly a month. I am certainly aware my employers were not very happy with my recent performance but that is just what happens when your employees realize they've been underpaid. My overtime recently are less meaningful as well, as to be at the office overtime recently to be playing Dota and Left 4 Dead 2 with my colleagues is just another indication of my career discouragement. Just the day before one of my colleagues needed help on getting dimensions (measurement) from the scene I'm working on. It was 10pm and it got that late only because a few of us were playing L4D2 from 8pm till 9.30pm. I know it makes me look like an asshole but I eventually abandoned him after opening the files he needed and left him to manage on his own even thought he is unfamiliar with the software. I just couldn't be bothered to do work overtime anymore. Not when you are working your bone dry for menial pay and an unlikely bright future in the line.

Is it broken or just empty?
Earlier on I mentioned about having an awkward dream. I probably won't elaborate it as I know most people just don't give a damn what nonsense we all dream of every night. But it is a psychological fact that people's dreams can sometimes reveal visualizations of what their heart truly desires. I saw mine and it certainly did portray my wishes. It wasn't success and wealth that I yearned for, opposed to what I've been worrying myself about nowadays. Wealth was merely a replacement, to distract me from wishing for what I could possibly never attain. A companion's heart. For over 5 years I have grown dependent on the company of 1 who I love to support me in my struggles in life that it didn't just become a privilege for me, it was a necessity. Ever since she decided to seize the relationship, I turned my dependency towards my friends to whom they are not obliged to entertain me but yet did, until I notice its starting to annoy them. Ever since at times I do feel the need for her compassion, but I was already headstrong on my decision to let her go. I couldn't bring her happiness and I might be wasting her time. I could not bear to hold the guilt of ruining her happiness in wait for me. In the end it was all an act, when I thought I was taking it quite well accepting my break up. It was just merely, denying reality. It only takes awhile to realize that there is no such thing as "no love". It can only be positive or negative, there is no neutral in it. When its positive, its value determines your intensity of love for someone, negative resembles one's intensity to hate. And when a feeling is born between individuals, it can never be removed. I for one, certainly don't hate her. Which means there is only 1 conclusion left to it. I certainly still love her, even if its as an ex lover or just a friend, its still love. If she ever sees this message, I would like to be clear to her.

"I wasn't lying when I said I love you"

Perhaps my feeling now isn't as intense as it used to, but it would not fade into an emotionless void equal to that of not knowing at all. Love in me for you is still there, even if as a little brother if not a friend. You have dug your existence too deep into my life to forget you even till death. Until we know what fate has in store for us, there is no where else to go than to move on.